Thursday, November 07, 2002
Can someone stop me before I really hurt one of my friends???
What is wrong with me? I am like two different people. Completely split down the middle. From 9am-5pm I am a miserable mean bitch.
I have good moments, but I find myself so GRRRRRRRRRR with most of my day. It's really disconcerting.
When I wrote my "Ten Reasons Why I love Justin Timberlake", I really thought that the entry read as funny and light. A sarcastic way of saying to the world that it is OK for me to be obsessed with this artist. I dedicated it to Fish and Ari because they were participating in an IM about how I was a really great guy with a very powerful weakness for cheese. Not edible cheese, although that is a serious weakness too.
Justin cheese.
(the most expensive brand)
I meant it to be fun and stupid, but Ari just called in a panic, hoping that she hadn't truly offended me. And the thing is...she didn't at all!
I just re-read what I wrote and thought to myself "How could they NOT take that as a slam?" Although I meant it as a shout out to the world, it CLEARLY came across as a letter directly addressed to one, Miss Ari and two, Miss Fish. I also noticed that I wrote "Fish That Needs A Bicycle" when we all know that that is quite against the contrary. I apologize for that typo Fish. I got more respect for you than that playa shit.
I should never write when I am at work. My entries are coming from someone I don't even recognize.
Last night Paul looked me right in the eye and goes: "You're crazy."
Just that.
"You're crazy."
And you know what?
He's totally right. I kept coming back at him with "YOU'RE crazy." "oh no YOU'RE crazy". "YOU? YOU be crazy."
That's all I could say because I knew he was totally right.
What is going on with me? Seriously.
I am going...well...crazy.
How do I learn to relax? I am riding on a so much tension these days that often I do feel like I am losing my mind.
During my average day I will have conversations with strangers and get to a point in the conversation where I start to panic. I don't know what to say anymore. My heart starts to beat faster, my head gets all foggy and I actually just stand there quiet. Who is this person?
I am usually exactly the opposite. I can talk to people I don't know with ease. I am the man with the "ly's". You know that guy. The one that always responds to whatever you say with "exactly", "definitely", "totally", "always".
did u not catch that?
go back and tell me why "always" is not what I say.
I am the guy that makes you feel good. People have always wanted to be around me because I am a genuinely nice guy.
It's what I base everything on.
And I think we can all agree that Joe Cut the Shit hasn't been a nice guy for awhile.
He seperated from me at some point.
I think I have fought more with my friends in the last year than I ever have in my life. I am constantly having to either apologize for something or prove my position on a topic to the point of a full blown screaming match.
Dammit Joe.
Stop it.
Why, when I know that Paul is here for only 12 hours, do I find myself so ANGRY? I lash out. I come across as insincere.
I am alienating myself from the outside world.
And it scares me.
Quite a bit.
It is going to be very hard for me to make it as an actor if I have a piss poor attitude. Or if I am a mean-hearted person.
Now, I do know that I am hard on myself. So hard on myself.
I am not like this all the time. Usually I am this guy during my work day. Nighttimes are totally cool with me. I slow it down and I smile a lot more. I don't dig my fingernails into my thumb looking for an escape from my peers.
Okay wait. Now I just decided that I am a complete weirdo. Dig my fingers into my thumb? Yes, I do that alot.
Told you...legitimate split personality.
Maybe I am growing up and it is natural for an adult male to become a jaded fuck.
Maybe I am SUPPOSED to be acting like a prick all the time.
Well THAT was an easy lesson to learn.
:(
Rita and I had a talk last week about some serious shit.
We hashed out some issues and I walked away from the conversation believing that I was right in most points that I made. And that she agreed.
However, upon further investigation, I am seeing so much truth in what she had to say. When she confronted me with some of my recent personality traits, I was like: "Oh no no. I am not that and I am so perfect and wonderful and like an angel that gets it's wings, I fly over the clouds and up into the beautiful blue...."
right.
Now I sit here and see VERY clearly the point she was trying to make.
Yesterday Rita asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". I mean, I felt good, Paul was coming into town...things should have been perfect. But as the day went on I started acting as though something really was wrong.
Was it that Rita planted the seed of bad, depressing things in my head?
OR
Was it that she knows me better than most and saw straight through to my core before I did?
I pick choice B now. Oh. Didn't you know that they were choice A and choice B?
It was choice B.
If Rita asks me if anything is on my mind, why do I feel compelled, even if subconciously, to act like the guy who's got it all together?
I surely don't have it all together and Rita knows that better than anyone.
So why am I playing this game?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I am cruising for a breakdown soon. It's been coming for awhile.
When I was a senior in college, I was just coming to grips with changing my major. It was the most stressful time of my life. I mean, everyone wanted me just to finish my Education degree and GRADUATE already. So before a performance of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", I was saying goodbye to two of my housemates at the time, Rita and Erica, who were giving me nothing but smiles and "Break a leg!".
As I was saying goodbye I absolutely BURST into a violent explosion of tears. I collapsed on their laps and just sobbed for about 15 minutes. It was so intense that for the first 5 minutes neither of them said a word. They just held me and let me get it out.
I will never forget it.
I just RELEASED.
I am not a huge cryer. I mean, I don't have any sort of problem with crying. I will cry with pride and I expect and encourage my friends to cry with pride as well. It's a healthy and natural emotion.
But let's not do it too much, cuz then you're just a lump of sobbing annoyance in my life.
Am I right?
I be right.
After I collapsed with those two girls, I felt as though I had the strength of ten men. I was flying high for months. It was shortly after that that I got my life together.
That's where I think I am headed now. In an eerie coincidence, it was 4 years ago, around Thanksgiving, that I had my big sobfest.
I keep thinking that I can predict when my life is going to take the turn towards productive and rewarding. Whether it be a sobfest, a change in the weather, the fact that I am irresistibly adorable...I just don't know.
Foolish boy I am.
Ah well.
I got to just let it happen. And I have to remember the lessons I am learning each day.
Today's lessons are:
1) Next time you start to act like a prick, take a step back and contemplate the delivery of what you got to say.
2) RELAX
3) Don't be so hard on self
4) Tighten that body up
oh. didn't really mention my body image problems today. haha.
but still, tighten it up Joe.
5) Be MUCH kinder to Paul
6) Allow self to go to friends with any sort of problem; even if don't feel comfortable, at the time, discussing it.
Well! That is quite a few things to think about.
Nice.
Alright, I am going to call my mom now. Just need to hear her voice.
My final words:
Fish: Feel v. bad about what other self said earlier. Other self wishes to apologize to H. in hopes that H. will forgive and understand that Joe acts like immature tool during most of his social interactions with others. Fish knows Joe and knows that he thinks v. highly of her.
BTW Fish, fuck the bicycle.
Ari: I don't need to say much to you cuz I talked to you on the phone tonight. Thank you for being my concious. Sorry that I am grumps Mcgrumps during most of our work days. You told me I would become you, the way you became Fran, and guess what...whether I like to admit it or not, you were right.
Fran is really to blame. :)
Rita: I have thought about our conversation and I thank you for bringing to my attention some things that were hard for you to say, but necessary for me to hear. I will work on my stuff too. You are my ladles. Forever and ever, amen.
YAY WEDDING!
Kelly: You are a gaylord.
Paul: Like Paul reads my journal.
hahahaha like I would just call Kelly a "gaylord" and move on.
Kelly: For once I don't have anything to apologize to you about. Wait, we are hanging out tomorrow to watch "8 Mile". I am sure I will hurt your feelings at some point. So, in advance, I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
Ok, that it!
One more thing about Justin and I will let it go.
for tonight.
His second single off the album is called "Cry Me a River". It is pure genius. Seriously. I think it will grab the attention of people who (as most of my readers do) loathe him. There isn't that much Michael Jackson influence in the song. I think it's a winner. Please let me know if it changes anyone's opinion about him.
I will post any and all GOOD responses.
If they be bad responses, they be sleeping in my recycle bin.
But I am truly believing in what I say right now. You really may like this one!
I am going to go in my room now, take off my prom dress and call my girlfriends on the phone so we can discuss Justin some more.
If we play the NSYNC boardgame I am totally being Justin. Ari, you can be Chris Kirkpatrick.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fine. you can be JC if you want.
he's pretty cool.
Thanks for reading my long entries today.
Sorry I am "crazy".
What is wrong with me? I am like two different people. Completely split down the middle. From 9am-5pm I am a miserable mean bitch.
I have good moments, but I find myself so GRRRRRRRRRR with most of my day. It's really disconcerting.
When I wrote my "Ten Reasons Why I love Justin Timberlake", I really thought that the entry read as funny and light. A sarcastic way of saying to the world that it is OK for me to be obsessed with this artist. I dedicated it to Fish and Ari because they were participating in an IM about how I was a really great guy with a very powerful weakness for cheese. Not edible cheese, although that is a serious weakness too.
Justin cheese.
(the most expensive brand)
I meant it to be fun and stupid, but Ari just called in a panic, hoping that she hadn't truly offended me. And the thing is...she didn't at all!
I just re-read what I wrote and thought to myself "How could they NOT take that as a slam?" Although I meant it as a shout out to the world, it CLEARLY came across as a letter directly addressed to one, Miss Ari and two, Miss Fish. I also noticed that I wrote "Fish That Needs A Bicycle" when we all know that that is quite against the contrary. I apologize for that typo Fish. I got more respect for you than that playa shit.
I should never write when I am at work. My entries are coming from someone I don't even recognize.
Last night Paul looked me right in the eye and goes: "You're crazy."
Just that.
"You're crazy."
And you know what?
He's totally right. I kept coming back at him with "YOU'RE crazy." "oh no YOU'RE crazy". "YOU? YOU be crazy."
That's all I could say because I knew he was totally right.
What is going on with me? Seriously.
I am going...well...crazy.
How do I learn to relax? I am riding on a so much tension these days that often I do feel like I am losing my mind.
During my average day I will have conversations with strangers and get to a point in the conversation where I start to panic. I don't know what to say anymore. My heart starts to beat faster, my head gets all foggy and I actually just stand there quiet. Who is this person?
I am usually exactly the opposite. I can talk to people I don't know with ease. I am the man with the "ly's". You know that guy. The one that always responds to whatever you say with "exactly", "definitely", "totally", "always".
did u not catch that?
go back and tell me why "always" is not what I say.
I am the guy that makes you feel good. People have always wanted to be around me because I am a genuinely nice guy.
It's what I base everything on.
And I think we can all agree that Joe Cut the Shit hasn't been a nice guy for awhile.
He seperated from me at some point.
I think I have fought more with my friends in the last year than I ever have in my life. I am constantly having to either apologize for something or prove my position on a topic to the point of a full blown screaming match.
Dammit Joe.
Stop it.
Why, when I know that Paul is here for only 12 hours, do I find myself so ANGRY? I lash out. I come across as insincere.
I am alienating myself from the outside world.
And it scares me.
Quite a bit.
It is going to be very hard for me to make it as an actor if I have a piss poor attitude. Or if I am a mean-hearted person.
Now, I do know that I am hard on myself. So hard on myself.
I am not like this all the time. Usually I am this guy during my work day. Nighttimes are totally cool with me. I slow it down and I smile a lot more. I don't dig my fingernails into my thumb looking for an escape from my peers.
Okay wait. Now I just decided that I am a complete weirdo. Dig my fingers into my thumb? Yes, I do that alot.
Told you...legitimate split personality.
Maybe I am growing up and it is natural for an adult male to become a jaded fuck.
Maybe I am SUPPOSED to be acting like a prick all the time.
Well THAT was an easy lesson to learn.
:(
Rita and I had a talk last week about some serious shit.
We hashed out some issues and I walked away from the conversation believing that I was right in most points that I made. And that she agreed.
However, upon further investigation, I am seeing so much truth in what she had to say. When she confronted me with some of my recent personality traits, I was like: "Oh no no. I am not that and I am so perfect and wonderful and like an angel that gets it's wings, I fly over the clouds and up into the beautiful blue...."
right.
Now I sit here and see VERY clearly the point she was trying to make.
Yesterday Rita asked me what was wrong. I said "nothing". I mean, I felt good, Paul was coming into town...things should have been perfect. But as the day went on I started acting as though something really was wrong.
Was it that Rita planted the seed of bad, depressing things in my head?
OR
Was it that she knows me better than most and saw straight through to my core before I did?
I pick choice B now. Oh. Didn't you know that they were choice A and choice B?
It was choice B.
If Rita asks me if anything is on my mind, why do I feel compelled, even if subconciously, to act like the guy who's got it all together?
I surely don't have it all together and Rita knows that better than anyone.
So why am I playing this game?
I don't know.
What I do know is that I am cruising for a breakdown soon. It's been coming for awhile.
When I was a senior in college, I was just coming to grips with changing my major. It was the most stressful time of my life. I mean, everyone wanted me just to finish my Education degree and GRADUATE already. So before a performance of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", I was saying goodbye to two of my housemates at the time, Rita and Erica, who were giving me nothing but smiles and "Break a leg!".
As I was saying goodbye I absolutely BURST into a violent explosion of tears. I collapsed on their laps and just sobbed for about 15 minutes. It was so intense that for the first 5 minutes neither of them said a word. They just held me and let me get it out.
I will never forget it.
I just RELEASED.
I am not a huge cryer. I mean, I don't have any sort of problem with crying. I will cry with pride and I expect and encourage my friends to cry with pride as well. It's a healthy and natural emotion.
But let's not do it too much, cuz then you're just a lump of sobbing annoyance in my life.
Am I right?
I be right.
After I collapsed with those two girls, I felt as though I had the strength of ten men. I was flying high for months. It was shortly after that that I got my life together.
That's where I think I am headed now. In an eerie coincidence, it was 4 years ago, around Thanksgiving, that I had my big sobfest.
I keep thinking that I can predict when my life is going to take the turn towards productive and rewarding. Whether it be a sobfest, a change in the weather, the fact that I am irresistibly adorable...I just don't know.
Foolish boy I am.
Ah well.
I got to just let it happen. And I have to remember the lessons I am learning each day.
Today's lessons are:
1) Next time you start to act like a prick, take a step back and contemplate the delivery of what you got to say.
2) RELAX
3) Don't be so hard on self
4) Tighten that body up
oh. didn't really mention my body image problems today. haha.
but still, tighten it up Joe.
5) Be MUCH kinder to Paul
6) Allow self to go to friends with any sort of problem; even if don't feel comfortable, at the time, discussing it.
Well! That is quite a few things to think about.
Nice.
Alright, I am going to call my mom now. Just need to hear her voice.
My final words:
Fish: Feel v. bad about what other self said earlier. Other self wishes to apologize to H. in hopes that H. will forgive and understand that Joe acts like immature tool during most of his social interactions with others. Fish knows Joe and knows that he thinks v. highly of her.
BTW Fish, fuck the bicycle.
Ari: I don't need to say much to you cuz I talked to you on the phone tonight. Thank you for being my concious. Sorry that I am grumps Mcgrumps during most of our work days. You told me I would become you, the way you became Fran, and guess what...whether I like to admit it or not, you were right.
Fran is really to blame. :)
Rita: I have thought about our conversation and I thank you for bringing to my attention some things that were hard for you to say, but necessary for me to hear. I will work on my stuff too. You are my ladles. Forever and ever, amen.
YAY WEDDING!
Kelly: You are a gaylord.
Paul: Like Paul reads my journal.
hahahaha like I would just call Kelly a "gaylord" and move on.
Kelly: For once I don't have anything to apologize to you about. Wait, we are hanging out tomorrow to watch "8 Mile". I am sure I will hurt your feelings at some point. So, in advance, I am sorry for hurting your feelings.
Ok, that it!
One more thing about Justin and I will let it go.
for tonight.
His second single off the album is called "Cry Me a River". It is pure genius. Seriously. I think it will grab the attention of people who (as most of my readers do) loathe him. There isn't that much Michael Jackson influence in the song. I think it's a winner. Please let me know if it changes anyone's opinion about him.
I will post any and all GOOD responses.
If they be bad responses, they be sleeping in my recycle bin.
But I am truly believing in what I say right now. You really may like this one!
I am going to go in my room now, take off my prom dress and call my girlfriends on the phone so we can discuss Justin some more.
If we play the NSYNC boardgame I am totally being Justin. Ari, you can be Chris Kirkpatrick.
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fine. you can be JC if you want.
he's pretty cool.
Thanks for reading my long entries today.
Sorry I am "crazy".
